Seize and Desist- Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office Auction Coming Soon

Remember those ads that used to say you could buy a luxury car for $100? Or a Rolex watch for $5?  All you had to do was send $9.99 in for a book which basically told you about government surplus and seizure auctions. It looked something like this-


Well there was SOME truth to it and it starts with a little bit of law-

Under Florida Statute 932.7055, entitled, “Disposition of liens and forfeited property,” once the authorities obtain a final judgment granting forfeiture of property, it may (a) retain it for agency use; (b) sell it to the highest bidder or (c) salvage, trade or donate to a public or nonprofit organization.

Well, Jacksonville is about to have one.  If you dream of wearing BLING that will make your chiropractor mad or enough gold to hire your own employee to flip a sign outside of your driveway, you are in luck.  Want to own a Lamborghini driven by a degenerate with traces of lord knows what on the console?  Now is your time!  On Thursday, April 4, 2013, at 10 a.m., at EverBank Field-Metro Park, Parking Lot F, on Gator Bowl Blvd, Jacksonville, Florida, you will get your chance.

Auction9The Lamborghini’s minimum bid is $70,000.  No matter what the auctioneer says, I will not believe this low-mileage beauty was a “one-owner” vehicle driven by a little granny on Sundays to Church.  And I am already in sticker shock, as the NADA values are way less.  I mean, the fact that it was used by someone who got it confiscated probably means it might be no greater than “Average Retail” and I have a hard time believing the odometer is correct or that there may not be some human DNA in the tru– errr, glovebox.

LamboAnd, frankly, I am way too secure in my manhood to even bid on this one.  I mean it’s yellow.  And did I mention the prior owner?  What self-respecting criminal has a yellow Lamborghini?  If Lance Armstrong and 50 Cent had a baby, maybe that’d be his car.  Otherwise, I am not so sure.  I might just go to see the bidding war.  I can picture it now.  Sorry, I just vomited.

Auction5If every kiss begins with (K)ay, I am not sure what these diamond stud earrings will bring. You can get the same pair, without the stigma of a police auction, for less.  I can hear it now, “You got these WHERE?”  If you thought Kay was bad (some ladies do), this is worse.  Trust me.  Do not bring these home as a gift if you paid retail.  And find a box from another store and just lie about where you got them.  I will sell you one from Underwoods or Tiffanys if the price is right. You will need a lawyer and I will charge you more knowing you were that gullible if you get caught passing these off as a gift.

Auction2And, I am going to pour some out for my homie, E.T.  He got all of his stuff taken and it all has his initials on it to prove it.  I don’t know what you did or who you are, E.T., but man did you like some ugly jewelry.  E.T. might be phoning home from jail these days and his arm is a lot lighter with out his “moon bracelet.”  I wonder if the same bidder is going to go for the trifecta, as he has three pieces up for bid.


His ring is twice as ugly.  It’s got mad diamonds, I will give you that.  Unless it is pieced out for the stones, what are the odds it will -EVER- be worn as is?  How many people have those initials and lack of sense of style.  I mean I only know of ONE who isn’t in jail.  And I don’t think he’s even try and pull that off (the ultimate inside joke).

Auction4And the moon pendant?  This was one pimped out Extra Terrestrial! 600 diamonds?  Oh my.  Can you imagine this guy walking around with his pendant, ring and bracelet- wait- could ET have been a woman?  No, women have way too much fashion sense.  What happens if he gets out early and he sees you wearing it- it will be right back in the evidence locker.

Auction1I HATE clowns.  And I hate Cubic Zirconia.  Mix the two and I wouldn’t spend 25 cents to pull this next piece out of the claw game at a roadside truckstop.  I bet this guy called himself the joker and I bet the joke is now on him.

Auction6There are many Jesus and Crucifix themed pieces. All of the holy water in the world won’t rinse the sin off of these pieces.  Again, buy something at a jewelry story and feel good about it, buy one of these at a pawn shop and -well- you never know.  Buy a piece at a seizure auction and you can assume two things- (1) they did something bad and (2) they were convicted of it.

Good luck and bid low.

%d bloggers like this: